This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
