everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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