there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
