what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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