just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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