Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
