it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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