rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
