Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
