And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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