Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
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i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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