whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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