Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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