I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
