you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
