I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
