so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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