Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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