I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
