Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
