i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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