Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
