I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
