I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
its not stalking. its research.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
