you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
