The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
