dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
