Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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