Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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