the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
