i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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