Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
