I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
