I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
