May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
