this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
