There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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