i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
