The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
