I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
