he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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