Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
