Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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