why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
