mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
