dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
