I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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