i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
whose ass print is on the piano?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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