My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
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Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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