its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
