dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
