my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just come out here and I will go home with you...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
