I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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