My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
