he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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